Well, Tuesday is coming faster than I thought it would. In some ways, I'm excited to see this little man and get him here so we can get his shunt in and get him feeling better. In other ways, I'm not ready for this pregnancy to end. I enjoy feeling him kick around in my stomach. I enjoy (for the most part) my round little (or not so little)tummy and the looks from strangers it gets. I enjoy my kids coming up and kissing my stomach and rubbing it and talking to the baby. Basically, I know that I will never be pregnant again. That makes me sad. I enjoy every kick and nudge he gives. Also I think, sometimes, as long as he's inside, we don't know the extent of his prognosis. He's a normal baby to everyone who sees my stomach. He doesn't know pain, or physical challenges or medical procedures. I also know he'll grow up way toooo fast. I love little, bitty baby. They don't stay that way long. Before you know it, they're walking-you blink-terrible twos; blink again-they're starting school. Why didn't God make them stay little bitty for like, I don't know, 2 years?? So yes, I'm uncomfortable, yes, I have contractions, yes, my stomach looks like someone waged WWII on my skin as is winning, but I will truly miss being pregnant. I don't miss hugging the toilet my first 24 weeks, though. Thank goodness that is behind me. I'm not very fun the first 24 weeks! I spend most my day either throwing up or sleeping.
Mostly, I think reality will have to set in. That's scary. I've never had surgery; and as much as I talk my patients through it day after day, it's not me laying on that bed. In some ways, knowing too much is a bad thing. Also, I'm a bit what you'd call "granola". I normally see a midwife with my pregnancies, I don't use alot of medications, my babies are put on my stomach after they're born, and they room-in and breastfeed. I like things natural. I don't like them leaving my room without me. So having a baby in the NICU will be a huge change for me. He'll have tubes and wires and won't breastfeed right away. I don't know when I'll get to hold him, or when his siblings will hold him. I know it's necessary, but it doesn't make it easier. It's all starting to sink in.
And to top it off, I"m still on "modified" bed rest. So it gives me lots of time to think about all this! I'm calling it bed-rest psychosis. I'm driving myself crazy. Literally! I think I've diagnosed myself with every problem that I could possibly have, and then, a moment of sanity comes about. And I can so-call "call my myself down off the ledge." I told you knowing too much can get ya into trouble!!
Well on a final note; I saw Dr. Bonebrake today for the last time before my surgery. He says baby looks good, he did an ultrasound and his head has stabilized in the 40cm range and ventricles remain around 33mm. The amniotic fluid was even a little decreased, in the "high 20's". His movement has slowed a little and has caused me a bit of concern (imagine that). Dr Kenny had monitored me last week on the fetal monitor and Dr. Bonebrake did the same today. He says it looked "all-right"; but not spectacular. He wants me to keep in close check with his movements till surgery; and if there are any changes to go to the hospital to be put on the monitor. He is more active at night, but he has definitely slowed down.
I don't know that I'll have anything blog-worthy until he's here on Tuesday, but I'm definitely going to try very hard to get his pictures on the blog by Tuesday evening or Wednesday morning, depending on how I'm feeling. My surgery is scheduled for noon on Tuesday, so prayers are definitely appreciated!